JUMPING HURDLES

god winked at me over chinese last week. he's good.

i can't tell you how many times i've started to write a forced light-yet-heart-felt note about life lately and, more specifically, my european endeavors, i.e. what i've been experiencing pre-take-off, how i'm preparing, what i'm feeling, etc. and instead, end up virtually crumpling up anything and everything i've tried to put into words and toss it in my desktop's recycling bin without a second thought. every time.

the truth is, i've been having a really, really hard time with this transition. it's harder than i thought it'd be. or maybe it's not the situation but rather the situation-ee; maybe i am not as strong as i'd imagined i would be. honestly, these few months leading up to departure haven't felt too drastically different - yes, i'm talking about a four-month stay in europe and yes, i'm walking through all of the motions required to organize/schedule/plan/prepare for said trip (including paying some hefty bills, sorry wallet!), but it's only slowly beginning to hit me that i'm actually following through on and will soon be living out said plans. this out-of-body fog i've been wading through led me to a bit of a standstill, a stalemate: myself vs. reality. my denial vs. reality's brutal honesty. my aloof mentality caused me to quickly fall behind as reality and time charge forward, trudging along, creeping up on the deadlines and dates that i've been subconsciously avoiding. it's scary. i'm scared. and my natural reaction is to gel up a bit.

but sure enough
(and if i were starring in my own hit reality TV show, this would be the moment in which the background music to my life not-so-subtly enters the foreground, dramatically mood-shifting for the greater good! are those trumpets i hear? and violins? a guitar! i imagine the soundtrack to my life would involve a mariachi band. so judge me.)
i'm beginning to get a grip on reality and my state of mind is darting forward, full speed ahead, taking the lead in the biggest most intense, competitive hurdle event at life's most important track meet!
and the crowd leaps to their feet, erupting in a roar of cheers accompanied by a round of applause!
okay i promise that is the last time i ever attempt to use a sports-related analogy of any kind.
all it really was was i just needed a little time to get my over-thinking, over-fretting head aligned with my brave, confident heart.

i just really love hyphens.

so the good news: it's there! i'm there. the stars that were oh, so faulted have finally aligned, and now that i've gotten the stress of hammering out the logistics with travel and accommodations of the backpacking leg of my trip behind me, i feel like i've both overcome emphysema and had the weight of 1,783 ostriches lifted off of my shoulders. i've had such tunnel vision focusing in on getting the nitty-gritty details straightened out - which, don't get me wrong, that stuff is important too! - that i lost sight of my intentions and goals for the semester and neglected myself the chance to deeply reflect on what an incredible experience these next four months will be and how i'm so absolutely stinkin' lucky to have the opportunity to get to live it out - live out my dream.

my dream! which comes true in approximately eight days, people. eight. days. pinch me.

i thought the closer i got to take-off the more nervous and panicked i'd feel. maybe this will change within the next week or so (OK, there's no denying my emotions will be all over the board, so let's talk generally ;) ), but i'm confident (and proud!) in saying i feel so at peace with where i am and where life's taking me these next few months. my decision to go abroad has never felt more right. i'm ready to take on the world!

literally.
let's go!