JUMPING HURDLES

god winked at me over chinese last week. he's good.

i can't tell you how many times i've started to write a forced light-yet-heart-felt note about life lately and, more specifically, my european endeavors, i.e. what i've been experiencing pre-take-off, how i'm preparing, what i'm feeling, etc. and instead, end up virtually crumpling up anything and everything i've tried to put into words and toss it in my desktop's recycling bin without a second thought. every time.

the truth is, i've been having a really, really hard time with this transition. it's harder than i thought it'd be. or maybe it's not the situation but rather the situation-ee; maybe i am not as strong as i'd imagined i would be. honestly, these few months leading up to departure haven't felt too drastically different - yes, i'm talking about a four-month stay in europe and yes, i'm walking through all of the motions required to organize/schedule/plan/prepare for said trip (including paying some hefty bills, sorry wallet!), but it's only slowly beginning to hit me that i'm actually following through on and will soon be living out said plans. this out-of-body fog i've been wading through led me to a bit of a standstill, a stalemate: myself vs. reality. my denial vs. reality's brutal honesty. my aloof mentality caused me to quickly fall behind as reality and time charge forward, trudging along, creeping up on the deadlines and dates that i've been subconsciously avoiding. it's scary. i'm scared. and my natural reaction is to gel up a bit.

but sure enough
(and if i were starring in my own hit reality TV show, this would be the moment in which the background music to my life not-so-subtly enters the foreground, dramatically mood-shifting for the greater good! are those trumpets i hear? and violins? a guitar! i imagine the soundtrack to my life would involve a mariachi band. so judge me.)
i'm beginning to get a grip on reality and my state of mind is darting forward, full speed ahead, taking the lead in the biggest most intense, competitive hurdle event at life's most important track meet!
and the crowd leaps to their feet, erupting in a roar of cheers accompanied by a round of applause!
okay i promise that is the last time i ever attempt to use a sports-related analogy of any kind.
all it really was was i just needed a little time to get my over-thinking, over-fretting head aligned with my brave, confident heart.

i just really love hyphens.

so the good news: it's there! i'm there. the stars that were oh, so faulted have finally aligned, and now that i've gotten the stress of hammering out the logistics with travel and accommodations of the backpacking leg of my trip behind me, i feel like i've both overcome emphysema and had the weight of 1,783 ostriches lifted off of my shoulders. i've had such tunnel vision focusing in on getting the nitty-gritty details straightened out - which, don't get me wrong, that stuff is important too! - that i lost sight of my intentions and goals for the semester and neglected myself the chance to deeply reflect on what an incredible experience these next four months will be and how i'm so absolutely stinkin' lucky to have the opportunity to get to live it out - live out my dream.

my dream! which comes true in approximately eight days, people. eight. days. pinch me.

i thought the closer i got to take-off the more nervous and panicked i'd feel. maybe this will change within the next week or so (OK, there's no denying my emotions will be all over the board, so let's talk generally ;) ), but i'm confident (and proud!) in saying i feel so at peace with where i am and where life's taking me these next few months. my decision to go abroad has never felt more right. i'm ready to take on the world!

literally.
let's go!

WHERE I AM | PART 1

i like to think that photo has perfectly captured me, little alfalfa hairs and all

after such a long bout of silence on my end this year, i thought it worthwhile to take it slow and start from square one to get you all caught up on where i am (in life, i suppose? sigh.) and where my new plans are taking me. 

fall semester i made some big changes - really big - in regards to my educational and personal goals which led to a complete reevaluation of my entire life plan (resulting in a mild barely-quarter-life crisis along the way. this is only a slight dramatization). in the process of working towards becoming a spanish-speaking optometrist, i was enrolled in both a hispanic literature course and organic chemistry. i started off the semester feeling determined, positive, and strong, but the further i advanced in each of those subjects, the more obvious it became as to where my heart lay. my fire-y passion for the spanish language continued to blaze on, hot and bright, but my fire for the sciences began to dwindle, and with time i noticed the flame completely went out. there was a period of time i tried to fan the fire in hopes of bringing it back to life. i lingered on to the hope that, well, maybe organic chemistry isn't my thing, but genetics might be? or i can still just focus and get through the classes, i'm sure i'll learn to love it once eyeballs are involved. i got to a point, though, where i was just downright unhappy. i'd trudge into o-chem feeling weepy and moronic and then bolt out as soon as that 50 minutes was up so that i could skip my way across campus to spanish class - my happy place (even if it was spanish literature). it was in these moments (and thanks to many-a-conversation with my family and mentors) that i realized i needed to make a change.

i panicked. how could i just abandoned the one dream and "plan" i'd ever known? what on earth was i going to do now? i felt like i was letting my family, my peers, myself down. i eventually realized that the only way i'd be letting myself down was if i didn't follow my heart and pursue my passion. so i did. i withdrew from organic chemistry and dropped my biology degree from a major to a minor so i could focus on majoring in spanish. while it was a hard change to admit and act on, i immediately felt 100 pounds lifted off my shoulders and 100% more like myself. i finally felt so happy.

i am so happy. once my mind was made up (or more like my head had finally listened to my heart, which had been made up long before) i never looked back. not once has my confidence wavered or have i felt like maybe i made the wrong decision. wandering off of the straight and narrow path leading to optometry has allowed me to experience college and see the world in a whole new light. while my future seems a little less concrete, that's okay. i like to think that i'm not just sitting here teetering in a transitional state of uncertainty and unpredictability, but rather i'm being offered a tremendous opportunity to explore a wider range of career options so i can really find the best fit for me. all i know in this moment is i'm doing something i'm abso-stinking-lutely in love with. how lucky am i to be able to say that? i know, too, that the rest is in God's hands, and He will lead me where i'm called to be. i'm even luckier to be able to say that.

----

i realized this post was gettin' a little lengthy, so i decided to split it into a two-part series in an attempt to make it a little less painful for you all to get through. ;) check back soon for part two, in which i announce my exciting post-undergrad hopes and plans for the next couple of years! 

ONIONS AND ORCHIDS

somehow it's already wednesday again! happy mittwoch! (have i mentioned i'm taking german? ja.) welcome back, miercoles! time flies.

onions
- i experienced my first official spain nightworry ("nightmare" seems a little too dramatic in this context...) i had a lot of mexico nightworries, too. bizarre, those things.
- tragic story-telling time: *pauses for audience to pass around a box of tissues and/or build suspense* so i have this big eraser. his name is shivlet. (diversion: my friend and i were desperately grasping for distractions from our physics homework one evening last semester which led to a sudden intense interest in eraser shavings [we were tired]. we got into a passionately heated discussion about how cruel and unfair this world can be sometimes because why don't eraser shavings deserve their own special unique name? why must they just be shavings from an eraser? shame on you, world! so generic! so inconsiderate! being the good samaritans that we are, we took it upon ourselves to re-name eraser shavings "shivlies," which are created  by "shivlets." and then we successfully convinced everyone we could casually create shivlies in front of that those little crumbs have a true title, that  being "shivlies.") so my shivlet! i had this weird desire to use it forever and ever until it ran out, just to prove myself that that's possible with big erasers? he and i went everywhere together. i habitually dug him out of my pencil pouch at the beginning of class so he could sit on my desk and help me with homework and then i'd tuck him back in when it was time to go. we really had something going for us. until tuesday. on tuesday i got too full of myself, thinking i deserved to go enjoy the beautiful day or something by taking a blanket and my homework and my shivlet out to write an essay by the pond. all was well until i got back inside and felt this pending doom rise in my stomach as i frantically searched, realizing my shivlet was nowhere to be found. i lost my shivlet. he's played hide-and-seek with me before, so i'm keeping my hopes high that he will reveal himself soon. (i realize it's awkward that i genderized him/it but..?) sadly i have a bad feeling he got consumed by the pond's canadian geese that we were specifically instructed not to feed. RIP shiv.

orchids
- my sisters, mom and i have all started wearing about the same size clothes. which is partly strange but partly the greatest most convenient thing that has ever happened to me. pants just aren't hugging right? no problem, try on a pair of jenna's! didn't bring home the perfect pair of shoes for my outfit? heck, just rummage through mom's closet!
- my family will be here in exactly one week to experience their first ever tulip time! poffertjes, get in our bellies.
- i get to sleep in tomorrow. it's the little things.
- i also get to use my full punchcard to receive a free coffee at the coffee shop in the morning. (i do have mixed feelings about knowing i've purchased ten expresso drinks in a relatively short period of time). you bet i'm getting a large iced snicker bar latte with whip. sometimes it's the large things, too.
- easter candy and finals prep go together like floral pants and earth day. the perfect compliments to one another.
- the floral pants made their debut appearance for the year of 2014! and on earth day to boot. it was a springy affair.

what memorable moments make your list this week? 

My Initial Thoughts about Life in Merida

once upon a warm january's night, a young maiden named rachel was doing homework {it's that ugly type called reading where you don't necessarily have to do it right this minute buuuut when you're sitting on the computer facebook stalking your friends it suddenly hangs over your head, taunting you like a dark thundercloud}. why yes, reading. this so-called reading was of the science type - about a man named charles darwin to be exact. for those of you who are familiar with darwin {and even for those of you who aren't}, you know it's some dry stuff. darwin, tired eyes, and a current temperature of 82 degrees are the perfect recipe for a big batch of mind wandering. so my antsy thoughts started a-drifting, and while my eyes skimmed the words of sir darwin, my mind conjured up a plethora of more important topics: food, blogging, things to google, food, my outfit schedule for the rest of the week, words in spanish, my itchy bug bites, sleep, and food {and that uncomfortable encounter i just had with my host brother when i attempted to tell him i hope he felt better in the morning and it turned into a bunch of jibberish and ended in my saying... "yeah." and him walking away chuckling?}{i'm sure my incapability to formulate sentences is endearing!}.

it's at the most inconvenient of times that i come up with these things, i tell you what. and this thing being a {i survived week one! oh my yes!} recap on my initial thoughts about life in merida.

• the food is {surprisingly} not spicy. in a lot of restaurants {okay, the two i've been to so far anyways} and in the central house, the food is fairly bland, but accompanied with a variety of hot sauces for you to add on your own. an enter-at-your-own-risk type of set-up, if you will.
• throwing my toilet paper in the toilet might be one of the hardest habits i've ever had to break. yep, that's right, for the past week {and two days, to be exact} i have been un-potty training and retraining myself to drop my soiled toilet paper {could i have not used a more awkward phrase for that?} in the trash can located next to the toilet. and yep, that's right, a trash can right in yo face full of mounds of used toilet paper. but really it's not as bad as it sounds. and it beats toilet overflowsion.
• it is quickly morphing me into one of the grossest, uncleanliest human beings {i prefer the phrase: embracing my body's natural capabilities}. honestly, i was probably a little too uptight about my appearance/smell/cleanliness before {now having to use bottled water every time i brush my teeth - which is quite a process! - makes the 4-5 times i used to do it daily seem a wee bit excessive}. i'm sticky, my feet are dirty, i now have so many bug bites on my legs that i can no longer find a path to shave around them {and i am an EVERY DAY SHAVER people}, and my sweat 'stache hasn't disappeared since i arrived. and if we're being completely open here {since i didn't totally overstep those boundaries moons ago}, i'm actually sweating less than i ever do during a summer in the united states. three cheers for sweat gland adaptation!
• everything is in spanish. this is one of those little details that didn't cross my mind pre-departure - every sign, label, menu, product, ad is in spanish. i don't want to blame my surprise on ignorance, because looking back it seems so obvious, but i just hadn't given thought to the fact that every piece of writing would be in their official language. duh! it definitely made realize how much i took for granted the ease of getting around in the united states.

it's wednesday! have a good one!

i'm so envious of those of you {safely} stuck in a snowstorm right now. the temperature is expected to drop to a high of 77/low of 66 here tomorrow, which is practically the dramatic equivalence to a snowstorm in iowa. it's as close to freezing as it gets in my neck of the tropics.

adios!

planes, trains, and automobiles

HOLY WOW HI and hola from mexico!!

we just broke from lunch to have our siesta (YES! these really happen here!! every day from 1 to 4 to be exact!), and i'm realizing this is the first time since preparing for take off at 3 AM yesterday that i have really sat down and just breathed. and breathing and just taking it in (while simultaneously massaging my trapezoid muscles because traveling yesterday practically crippled me but i would never admit that because it screams embarrassing) is just what i need. it's been an overwhelmingly exciting and great first day. every once in a while i just stop and think "i can't believe i'm actually here and doing this! is this real life!?"

so we'll start from day one with the dirty details on my travel day:
(and everything in my head feels a little fuzzy like the whole last day all smooshed into one big undefined timeless blob, so just hang in there with me on this one)

i arrived at the airport at 4 AM sunday morning and met up with a few other students going abroad after saying goodbye to my family. saying goodbye was, of course, extremely difficult but i'm so grateful they were there to see me off. i don't know where i'd be without their love and support.
i turn into the biggest bumbling idiot when it comes to going through airport security, so besides the awkward me fumbling through my important documents and flinging shoes and bags everywhere while trying to lift them onto the conveyor belt, traveling went very smoothly!
we arrived in cancun around noon and took a bus from the airport straight to merida. it's about a 4 hour trip by bus, and honestly, this was the part of my travels that i was dreading the most. i have never been the biggest fan of buses (i think i will be forever haunted by the numerous elementary school field trips that involved a bus... someone was always loud/smelly/vomiting... and then one time i set the bus alarm off by touching the back emergency door.. and then there was that other time on the way home from an overnight field trip and my favorite pair of underwear fell out of my bag on the bus. and i didn't realize it until the "popular kids" were picking them up and swinging them around asking who they belonged to. i didn't claim them and watched my beloved poodle and rainbow panties drop into the bus trash.. wow this is taking turns it never should have, it was obviously a traumatizing experience?)
um so where was i going with this?
right, i was dreading the bus, but that sucker proved me wrong! i slept all but 45 minutes of the way there (more than likely courtesy of the dramamine i popped beforehand), it was air conditioned, and they played twilight! in spanish! you have not seen comedy until you've seen edward cullen/robert pattinson spitting threats at a werewolf in spanish.
a few students were already in merida, and timing our arrival based off of a tweet i posted about leaving dallas for cancun, they were able to meet us at the bus station right as we pulled in! (gold star for you, social media!) we were advised to take a taxi to the central house from the bus station, but the students that met us convinced us that "it was just a short path, we could totally walk it!" so we walked, and walked, and walked, each of us dragging two suitcases and a backpack down the busy (and rocky!) streets of merida. after probably 45 minutes (it may have even been shorter but it felt like an eternity) we arrived at the central house, melting into weak, sweaty puddles. (the group later apologized to us for peer pressuring us into saying "no" to taxis. they "thought the walk seemed much shorter without 100 lbs of luggage".) ;) at least the locals got a good giggle out of the 12 americans dragging their suitcases through the streets of mexico, i'm sure.

i felt so liberated while traveling by myself (well, without my parents. i was still in good company!) for the first time. being able to navigate, problem solve, and get through the day alone gave me such a sense of accomplishment and pride. it made me that much more excited to get to merida and take on the big city!

more of that to come soon.
i'd better give your eyeballs a break.
adios!

late night thoughts are dangerous ones

it's one of those nights when you ease into bed at an early hour, snuggle up with a good book to tire your eyes, and slowly lie down with a smug satisfaction that you're going to get a good night's rest.
but then the minute your sleepy head hits that cool pillow your eyelids repel one another like two north poles of a magnet. your eyes start a-flickerin' and your brain starts a-thinkin' and suddenly it's chanting at you i'm up! get up! it's time to play! and even though you're so, so drowsy, your head disagrees.
and maybe it has something to do with the giant coffee you chugged at 7 pm?
but probably not.
and all of your worries and thoughts and checklists come crawling out from their little hiding places amongst {which apparently is a  "dead word" now? not if i can help it!} the cranium shadows. and they creep around - a clan of them settling into a giant lump in your throat {evidently i get emotional when i'm sleep-deprived?}.
well, it happens to me, anyways.
then my thoughts start to wander to that big, bad "M" word that's forbidden to be spoken in my household because we all hate it a little right now. {fine it stands for "mexico" but SHH don't let my mother hear}. and i think about all the things i need to cram into the next 16 days. like --
--eating at all of my favorite american restaurants. there are a lot so we must start now. merida has a subway though, but what if their meat tastes different? or their menus are in spanish!?! quick, what's the spanish word for subway melt on white bread with american cheese? WILL THE AMERICAN CHEESE THERE STILL BE CALLED AMERICAN!?!
--memorizing all of the mexican no-nos: don't bring someone red flowers {or was it white?}. always have your wrists above the table when eating. don't make eye contact, it's disrespectful {thanks for totally undoing my upbringing, yo}. avoid wearing white and short-shorts. probably especially white short-shorts. lick your plate clean {doubt i'll have a problem doing that}. surely if i goof up we can all blame it on me being a foreign ignoramus, right?
--seeing my friends one last time.
--purchasing all of my favorite personal items - extra contacts - toiletries {apparently their lady products suck?} - a swimsuit {how practical is snorkeling in a bikini? sounds dangerous.} - textbooks {not a favorite, must be purchased} - toothpaste - chapstick - a gift for my homestay family - etc. blah.
--hugging and loving and talking with and seeing and kissing and teasing and helping and just simply being around my family. i miss them i miss them i miss them already and they're still so close i can hear them breathing.
just call me edward cullen.
laugh out loud.
anyways, i know soon things will all be settled and my worry will be for nothing. but when all i do is sit and wait it leaves me with no choice but to think! shoot!
in the mean time, i've got shopping to do! i was able to swiftly check a box on my list this afternoon after picking up a lovely straw hat! my dad and i are finally twinsies! mine lacks the plastic green sun-guard, however.

will i be a sunburn-free babe, or will i be a sunburn-free babe?
it's ugly in a cute sort of way. cugly, as jen would call it.

A Letter to Myself

one of the small assignments we did during our pre-departure orientation was to write a letter to ourselves about our thoughts, worries, wonders, hopes and goals for studying abroad to read and reflect on when we return in may. when first faced with the assignment i took a few minutes to stare blankly at my computer screen and ponder.
blink. 
blink. 

what did i really want to get out of my experience? how could i face my emotions for the first time and give thought to what i'm feeling?
so i tried putting all of this jumbly nonsense into words. and i did! and it actually felt rather terrific to do so. and relieving. yes, wow! and so here it is! i can't wait to look back on this this summer and smile and sigh and giggle and maybe even cry a little? a happy cry, of course. {i hope}.

Dear Summer of 2013 Self,

          It’s November 20, 2012, and in exactly two months I will be jetting across the continent to begin an experience of a lifetime. I’m scared. I know deep down somewhere within me there are little cells bursting with excitement, but right now, they’re being outweighed by a tummy full of nerves and thoughts consumed by fear.

          I think one of my greatest fears as of late is just getting there. You know my lack of common sense can be rather extreme at times, and traveling (in a foreign country, ehem) is one of said times. I’m afraid of missing my family. What if I can’t be there for them and communicate with them like I can in the states? I also worry about the unknown, but I am just sure that once I step foot in Merida and can picture my new life there I will feel right at home, and you, you old experienced Merida local you, will look back at this and laugh.

          This study abroad adventure will aid both my academic and personal growth. When I found out that Dr. Mena was going to be traveling abroad with the Merida group of spring 2013, I knew I had no other choice but to go. Not only does Mexico give me the opportunity to fulfill my goal of becoming fluent in Spanish, I will be able to further pursue my degree in biology by taking the classes offered by Dr. Mena (who is fluent in Spanish, by the way. Is it perfect, or is it perfect?) It will allow me to overcome that awkward limbo that I feel like I’m in with my Spanish speaking. Remember that feeling you had, about six months ago, where you could listen, read, and understand Spanish quite well, but when it came to speaking you turned into a bumbly, twitchy, uncomfortable, can’t-form-a-sentence-or-think-of-this-conjugation-to-save-your-life-how-do-you-say-hi-again kind of girl? (What’s that? You don’t remember what that feels like? Oh good. Good.) Well, I hope know you’ll overcome it. What an accomplishment that is.

          Most importantly, I hope I take advantage of the situation and make connections – connections with my peers and the other students occupying the Central house, connections with the locals and my host-family that turn into life-long friendships, greater connections with my faith, and stronger connections within myself. I expect that I will truly, truly find myself on this journey (and even though I believe I already have a pretty strong idea of who I am, I know that if I say that you, future reading-this-right-now Rachel is rolling her eyes and sighing, What a naïve little girl! She had so much yet to learn! So I will refrain from any additional thoughts on this here subject).

          I cannot wait for this adventurous expedition. I can’t wait to travel. To explore. To listen. To speak. To eat (a lot). To learn. To experience a new culture and traditions. To take lots of pictures. To be put out of my comfort zone. To create a new comfort zone. To sleep in a hammock. To adapt. To learn to not be afraid of fish or getting shanked. To sweat. To watch Spanish soap operas. To meet William Levy (fine, this isn’t guaranteed but he HAS been spotted in Merida, therefore I am DETERMINED – you better work on that future me!). To grow. To write all of this stuff down so I can relive it forever and ever.

          ¡Buena suerte!

                   Rachel